When you have been in a relationship for a long time it may begin to feel a bit stale. You and your partner may find yourself not putting in much effort until one day you wake up and you no longer feel connected at all. When one or both partners start to take the relationship for granted then it may be a matter of time until the relationship falls apart. It is never too late, however, to learn strategies and formulas for getting back the spark in the relationship.
In the limerence stage or honeymoon faze we experience a rush of chemicals that include dopamine, adrenalin, norepinephrine, and serotonin. In fact, for the first three to six months it often feels like we have been taken hostage by all the chemicals in our body. This begins to eventually die down and the longer we stay together the more effort we must make to get those chemically charged feelings back.
The Gottman Method is the most highly researched model for constituting a happy, healthy relationship. The Gottman Method has been developed based on forty years of solid research on real couples. Gottman formulated data based on his findings that looks at all aspects of a couple’s relationship. This comprehensive model highlights any “negative sentiment override,” within the relationship, in other word a relationship depression. If there is a lot of conflict in the relationship or difficulties in particular areas, it is common a couple will often stop wanting to go out and having fun together.
Gottman suggests couples spend a minimum of two hours together without family or friends, doing a new activity each week. Doing something new together allows the relationship to get a dopamine hit. If there are communication issues in the relationship, going out and doing something that does not require a lot of talking is the best option. The most important thing to remember is that even if there is conflict or other difficulties, a couple must still make the effort to go out and have fun. These are what Gottman describes as deposits in the emotional bank account.
Going out for two hours a week needs to be ritualised and to make sure couples stay accountable it is important one partner initiates the outing, the other partner initiating the following week. This idea works well for keeping couples focused on doing their part whilst giving them something to look forward to. If one partner is always the one to initiate, they will give up at some point and this ritual breaks that cycle.
I see amazing results when my couples take on the psychoeducation and become the Alpha Couple. When the relationship feels boring there are some bad habits, gridlocked issues, and not enough ritualised and scheduled time together.
If you would like to book in and do the Relationship Check-up contact me here.